Sunday, February 06, 2011

What's the fart about?

Now this is the kind of news that can make any person like me, reeling under a late night party hangover sit and read it attentively.

Oblivion to the world fuel crisis, global recession, the Arab world renaissance, rapidly growing inflation or the even nearly approach 2012 dooms day, a small African nation - Malawi will vigorously debate in the coming week in their parliament if farting in public should be made criminal offence. Wow. I love this kind of news. Sadly this 4 column news was tucked in the World section in TOI. In my opinion this has to be the most catching and attention grabbing news to come in recent months and should have been placed right on front page! People are bored to read about the Egypt crisis, the 65 rs kilo Onion, Petrol & Beer kind of news. Now this is news. A country already reeling under poverty spending the precious little tax saver’s money to debate on issues that can in future have global catastrophic effect. As per the news…

"The government has a right to ensure public decency. We are entitled to introduce order in the country," justice and constitutional affairs minister George Chaponda told independent radio station Capital Radio. "Would you like to see people farting in public anywhere?" Since the country embraced multi-party politics 16 years ago people had felt free to fart anywhere, said Chaponda. 

"It was not there during the time of dictatorship because people were afraid of the consequences. Now because of multipartism or freedom, people would like to fart anywhere, he said. 

I completely agree with you bro. In a democratic, multi party system, people tend to fart albeit loudly – in public places, on the national media, in parliament, on tax payer sponsored foreign visits without thinking of the consequences. Now the only difference is that these are the people who run the country. But let me tell you my friend, in dictatorship too the people – especially the one who call the shots in the country do fart but the only difference is that in dictatorship the fart is passed off by the state owned media as the next perfume brand from the house of Gucci.

Not many people understand that farting is the most technical job you can ever imagine to perform. More complex than the Matrix itself. Imagine stuck in a small group or sitting in a small restaurant, or in front of your would be fiancĂ© or gf and you get the feeling – oh yeah a fart is on the way. You have to draw upon your years of experience to convert that big bang into a silencer equipped muzzle shot so that it’s not heard. Yeah, bet the men reading this post can relate with that.

I am sure if I google, I can find many games around farting itself. If there are games already available for ipad , iphone & android, bet there should be real versions followed too. The Biggest Farter Wins. Measuring the velocity of a farter by lighting the gas behind! Speaking of which, have you ever wondered why they put up a BIG RED colored ‘STRICTLY NO SMOKING’ bright signage in all corridors of Parliament, the visitor’s gallery & near cabins of all ministers in Government establishments? Yup, you guessed it right! I had an opportunity to visit the Parliament once and if you have ever been to the visitor’s gallery, you will see the AC blower on full blast and a transparent glass screen blocking the atmospheric air emitted by our honourly politicians. While public safety measures are taken what makes these politicans immune from the self emitted every day farts that they release in the Parliament? There are 2 reasons for that. 1) These guys are thick skinned. So any molecular particle floating from a colleague’s fart just bounces off from the skin of these guys instead of settling down. 2) More importantly, all the guys who get selected to represent our constituencies go through a nose membrane transplant. A small mesh is implanted that converts the inhaled foul gas into a fresh reusable fart by the same guy. Why do you think we are the toast of all the carbon credit seeking countries? Innovative mechanisms can be seen right in the bowels of the Parliament especially if some debate is on.

By the way, there are 3 countries that can never ever ban farting. They are Pakistan, India & China.

India, we already know and briefly talked about above why. Read any bi lateral talks results between Pakistan/India or China/India and you can guess why farting can never be banned.

Pakistan has taken farting to next level. Tired of using guns, ammos, normal bombs, suicide bombers in Pakistan, fed with a gastronomic diet of Jihad are turning themselves into a live Fart Bombers. The promises to the bombers I am told are a lifetime McDonalds & Pizza Hut supply in heaven (or hell) and a complimentary tickling by the most beautiful nymph. For bombers in POK photos of Katrina Kaif are passed off as the nymph.

Now Chinese farts are quite tricky ones. You keep your ears up to hear any mumbling noise from a Chinese ass but hardly hear anything. The Chinese farts are more like Chinse whispers. There definitely is a fart but you don’t hear it and smell it a little late. Or else how can you explain this Wen Jiabo chap making an official trip to India – all armed with Hindi Chini bhai bhai scented room freshner, his aides spraying it before hand in any meeting and once he was gone, 2 weeks later you get the foul smell of the Arunachal Pradesh stapled visa issue.

But imagine if they was indeed an actual ministry, just like the Malwai chaps enforcing laws related to farting in India? I wonder what that ministry would be called? Ministry of Renewable Energies or Ministry of Natural Gas. I can think of the latter. But I bilve there is already a minstry by that name. I guess they would have made it Ministry of Natural gas – Internal & Minstry of Natural gas  - External. The internal one would focus on the ‘real’ natural gas sourced from deep inside the earth while the external will concentrate their energies on the natural gases emitted by people. While the country would be reeling under heavy inflation and rising food costs and Sharad Pawar would be grilled in Parliament, the chap managing the MoNG – E  portfolio would be quietly chuckling in one corner in the Parliament. After all the rising food cost is directly proportional to the fart emitted in air. High food cost means less people will buy fart emitting veggies like ‘mooli’ which means less of fart to pollute the air.

Back closer to work, you deal day in day out with guys who have made careers by farting. The mantra is not ‘Work Smarter Not Harder’ but ‘Fart Harder but Smarter’. Yes, in a collaborative world, every fart counts in work and you need to keep updating your repository with newer,  smarter mechanisms of farting and making customers bill you $140/hr consulting rate . After all for them it’s not just a fart. It’s a process of synthesizing efficient paradigms that involve intuitive methodologies to unleash visionary whiff of air to deliver ‘bleeding-edge’ solutions.  The same logic applies internally when you want to don the role of Arjuna – the Savior. Genuine thought process, views are taken as crap. One ‘fart-astra’ from your arsenal can quieten the most vocal or rational ones.

Should really thank the article that got printed ysday. Atleast it motivated me to put this farty post after a long time. Till the time the world is full of news like this, which I am sure it will be, it will always get me on to release some gas of my own!

All farts welcomed in the comments section :-)       

1 comment:

Aditi said...

‘Fart Harder but Smarter’..